Criminal Love, Ethereal Being
by suspensegirlinc
Summary: post 4x09 - maybe the reason she feels she needs to become someone isn't b/c Chuck would always be tied to her success. Maybe it's b/c she's scared. CB o/s


A/N: _I will update MMB soon. I will, I will, I will._ *repeats mantra to self* But in the meantime…lol, 4x09 o/s! =D Because, okay, I was watching CB's scenes again from that episode…and how perfect they were. *sighs contently* When the episode aired, I thought the ending was perfect – for that particular time frame; but after watching them just now, I just got frustrated because they're so frickin' hot and aww-worthy together, it's just ridiculous how the writers CONTINUE to tear them apart. *mutters indistinguishable mean words ;)* So, here you have it! A oneshot of an _if-only_ Chuck & Blair decided at the very end of the episode to get back together. Because they're so meant to be – IN YOUR FACE, WRITERS! (lmao *on a roll & a CB high*)

…

New York City looked so bland tonight. The lights dotting every building on every block, down every street, visible to every eye that was opened to see them just looked so ordinary. Though Blair had lived on the Upper East Side her entire life, looking out into the nightlife in her vicinity always seemed to be a magical experience. There was a beauty in New York City. It was like no other place in the world, with perhaps the exception of Paris where her Daddy lived. She could pretend she hadn't the slightest idea as to why tonight felt so different from every other night when she looked out into the sky that appeared starless for all the artificial lights dotted beneath it.

But there was no fooling herself. Most of her didn't even want to live in that denial that she was so fond of creating for herself to make her feel happy. The night didn't light up tonight not because Chuck wasn't with her – because she'd experienced that plenty of times; but because it had been her choice to cut ties between them, and not because he'd done something wrong.

If she tried hard enough, she could make herself think that this wasn't actually about her trying to discover who she was an independent woman, a successful adult in the business world and society. It was about making Chuck pay for what he did to her. He'd done horrible things to her, and despite the fact that she'd forgiven him – because no matter what he did, she always seemed to come around; he hadn't really "made up" for what he'd done. In fact, all he'd done since he returned from Paris was move on with another girl, beat _her_ up to a bloody pulp through the most detrimental ways, mainly social manipulation, and have sex with her on countless occasions. That hardly should have equaled her forgiveness, despite how very _good_ he was at pleasing her in the bedroom. And anywhere else he could get his hands on her.

But somehow it had. Somehow they'd come to terms with what had happened. And though he was still fully to blame for what had happened with Jenny, there wasn't a thing that could be done to take it back. Hurting each other in the present didn't help. Sleeping around only proved how willing they were to prove the passionate side of themselves to each other to avoid vocalizing what was still stirring in their hearts.

And that was that she lied. She never stopped loving him. Couldn't. Ever. It wasn't in her capacity to stop loving Charles Bartholomew Bass. She'd fallen for him once and that had sealed the deal for life. Now that this was all out in the open though, she'd found another dilemma to complicate them, to put them on hold. Obviously to make Chuck prove himself worthy of her. No, to make her "find herself", since she was clearly incapable of doing it with him in the picture. It made so much sense and she knew she had to stick to it. It would be worth it in the long run. It really would. When she was confident in her abilities and succeeded in some significant feats, people wouldn't see her as just his sidekick. They would look at her in awe and think _him_ the lucky one.

_Wasn't that what she wanted?_ It almost sounded like she was jealous of what _he_ had achieved.

_No_, she scolded herself. She had every right to want this; and it wasn't as if the decision had been easy. When she'd kissed Chuck up on that balcony for everyone to see, the only thing in her mind had been how they would fight the world together and no one would stop them, and how they'd always have each other and that would be just fine even if they lost everything else.

The feel of his lips and his heat and his hands had been so deliciously perfect after he'd confirmed that he did indeed still love her, that it hadn't been a slip of the tongue in the throes of passion. She'd wondered; even if she thought deep down that only his love would work in such ways against and for her as it had since he'd returned.

And now it was gone.

_"Chuck? You still love me right?"_ –That was what she wanted to say, despite his sincere declarations only an hour earlier.

The feelings swirling inside her made her call him and he hadn't answered – rightly so; probably still in shock, or hurt, or trying to be strong for her; that alone should have shouted it more clearly than the exact right answer to her question. So, she'd wanted to ask that, to leave that message, in the hopes that he would call her back or show up on her doorstep. Even his confusion might give her some piece of mind.

But of course she didn't say it, or anything for that matter. She hung up the phone. This had been her decision after all. It wasn't some trick she was playing on herself. It wasn't jealousy or insecurity or fear or pride. It was none of those. It was a mature decision and one that she had to stick with, whether it was hard in the short term or not.

….

The night wasn't supposed to end like this. Sure, he hadn't spent the whole day planning out their romantic reunion night, including sensuously making love and the sweet post-coital glow that he'd missed so desperately in these last weeks of sex with Blair. But from the moment she shyly beat around the bush in trying to get him to admit he still loved her, everything had fallen into place. In that moment, he'd concocted candles, mood music, where he'd kiss her, how long, what way, the exact tone of voice he'd use when he'd caress her smoothest skin and tell her he loved her until there was no voice left in him. Then he'd tell her through his tongue – passionate kisses and the tracing of the words _I love you_ all over her heated ivory, until she burned for him and could only scream in response, until she was so desperate having him closer than was possible would still not be enough.

It had all come to a crashing screech when her face had fallen in front of Casey and her sad eyes had pleaded with him before she even opened her lips to tell her she could not. He knew his unfathomable sadness had been written on his face, just as her painful regret was on hers. It was the one thing neither of them wanted to give up when they had, but what she wanted now was honorable, and he knew it was not something he could not just hand over. The answers and achievement and sense of pride delivered in this could not be made out in kisses or compliments or endless bouts of money. She had to do this on her own; it was only his love for her that kept him from fighting the cause and making love to her until she complied to be his, with or without the success she so craved, the need to stand on her own.

God, how he missed her.

He'd give anything to give her what she wished, so that he could have her in his arms again. It would be pure torture being around her and not being able to truly be with her. Plus, what if in the midst of her searching, she decided that she did not really need to be all that powerful, because she had found someone else who fulfilled that empty place that had been gashed in deeper by Anne's comments tonight.

That ate him alive. He could not bear to see her with someone else when he'd only just held her in his arms little more than an hour ago. He hadn't even been granted a kiss goodbye after she'd made her final decision. He knew this was hurting her as much as it was hurting him, most likely, but all the sex in the past weeks and the confessions of love tonight, and even that times a million wouldn't keep him from falling apart until she decided she was ready.

_If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back._

Of course he believed that. And those two people were them, him and Blair. No one else was as meant to be as the two of them were. He'd never felt anything as strongly in his entire life. He just wished eventually didn't have such a limitless connotation with it.

He heard the bell alerting the opening elevator doors and forced himself back into reality, hoping thoughts of Blair would fade just long enough to address whoever had come to his penthouse at this late hour. Probably Nate, he thought. Then again, it was entirely possible that he had decided to slumber it at Humphrey's to do god-knows-what in an effort to forget about Serena Van der Woodsen and her very indecisive – and, as tonight proved, sometimes devious manner.

But it wasn't Nate. He sensed her presence the moment her scent wafted out of the elevator shaft. He would have been completely senseless not to recognize the perfect blend of vanilla and lavender, along with the 100% natural quality of entirely Blair Waldorf.

The words slipped out of his mouth before he'd even turned all the way towards her, but the elevator doors had already closed and she could not escape if she felt caught by her own initiative in coming to him.

"You're already a powerful woman, Blair. You don't have to prove anything to anyone."

Her mouth opened and closed and then she was walking towards him. She slowed when he grew nearer.

"I couldn't stay away," she whispered very softly. He wasn't surprised he'd heard it though. He always heard her. She was his siren song. He would forever be drawn to her and whatever sound or movement came from her.

He almost asked about Serena, but was reminded of his own intelligence and smarts before the question reached her ears. Serena was not on anyone's good side after tonight. Of course she wouldn't be the one Blair would go to when she was mourning this _thing_ that had happened between them.

She stared at his lips, wanting to touch them; and then into his eyes, wanting to drown in them. It had probably been a mistake to come over here, so close to temptation where she knew she'd willingly fall into his arms and let herself be swept away by his love for her.

She hung her head and fiddled with her fingers, sighing heavily. Before she could say another word, he was upon her, tilting her chin up so she was looking at him again, his gaze so sweet and tender, and _loving_.

"What do you want, Blair?" he asked softly, gentle yearning in his voice, not a touch of venom. At a time like this he wondered how he had even possessed negativity in regards to Blair. "Tell me what you want."

"I…" a shaky breath escaped her. She cleared her throat and blinked a few times. "I called. You didn't pick up. I just wanted…" she trailed off.

His brows furrowed, and reluctantly he reached into his pocket, realizing for the first time that she had called him a few more times than once, no doubt the rest being on her way over. A flame lit inside his chest at that knowledge. He knew he was probably wrong in his rising hopes, but he could not help but wish it even so.

"Blair?" Daringly, he drew his hand across the short distance between them and clasped her hand in his own. Her fingers curled around his. His heart beat faster. When he looked back up into her eyes, there were tears filling the base, threatening to drip onto her eyelashes and down her pristine face.

"I don't want to live my life without you," she cried.

Her gasping cry flipped a switch in him, and any manner of planning or precision evaporated in that instant. He cupped her face and swiftly kissed her so she could feel reassured.

"I was tr-trying to ask you if…if…"

He wiped away the tears now streaming down her face.

"…if you still loved me."

His heart ripped out of his chest. It had been only an hour and already she was doubting? He wanted to pin her to the bed and embed himself into her so that she would never forget just how desperately, madly, deeply, obsessively he was in love with her.

He kissed her hard again, sweeping his hands up into her hair. He knew he should explain things, that they should talk, but he could not stop himself from needing to prove to her that he loved her, that nothing had ever meant more to him than she did, not even the hotel they stood in that he had stupidly placed above her during that long day in hell.

"God, Blair…" He was trembling now. "There is nothing I love more than you." His shivers erupted through her and suddenly she was clutching at his back, pulling him closer than space would allow.

After several more hungry kisses, and inching dangerously close to the hallway leading to his bedroom, she pulled away and looked him fiercely in the face.

"I want this," she said intently, placing her hand over his heart. He was breathing heavy. "I want this, you and me, _us_. _Now_. I don't want to wait. I don't need to."

He put his hand over hers on his chest.

"You won't lose us if you want to become who you believe you need to be first. I'm not going anywhere." He ran the back of his other hand against her damp cheek. She closed her eyes at the skin-to-skin contact.

"I know," she said, even if she'd been teetering on the edge of doubt since she'd last seen him. Her decision was clear now though. She had not come over because she felt drawn or she didn't know where else to go or she wanted one last night with him, though she'd tried to wager those things within herself before she'd gotten there.

It hadn't been to tell him again – and make sure _she_ knew – that she had to be on her own for awhile. She didn't need to put either of them through that painful conversation again. Besides that, it would sound like she was trying to convince herself more than him and he would see right through it. Better that she came out with it now and they both saw her for what was really there.

"I'm scared, Chuck."

He frowned, continuing his caress on her cheek.

"And not just of not having you or not being with you. I'm scared of not knowing what I am and what I'm going to be. I have to be someone, someone other than the popular girl in school or Chuck Bass's girlfriend."

He tried to be brave. He didn't want to hear this again, but he knew he had to. _For her._

"But…"

Her sigh was shaky. Hope lit within him again.

"What is it, Blair?" He cradled her head in his hands, loving how she let herself lean into the embrace. It made him feel like her protector somehow, her place of warmth and guidance, like she needed him.

"I can do it _with_ you," she said. He watched her steadily. "Joining social groups, having internships, a job even. I can do all of it without having to be without you."

The breath left in him escaped his lungs. _Was he hearing her correctly?_ All his previous plans for the evening immediately returned in perfect detail to his suddenly well prepared mind, but he was still wary.

"What are you saying?" he asked cautiously.

"I love you, Chuck," she said. "I want to be with you now, and I can be. All I have to do is not be afraid." She smiled a little. "And with you I can be – " she paused, a laugh almost slipping through. "Not afraid, I mean." She sighed, contentment clear in the breath. "That's what I'm saying."

"But you were _so_ sure," he countered, part of him scolding himself for doing it. This was what he wanted after all. But he did not want to steal her from her dream; from what she truly felt she needed to do. This needed to be right on all grounds, not just the part of her who was afraid of losing him and was desperate for his touch.

"I mean, after the party…" he pressed on, needing her to think through what she was saying. "It was only an hour ago, Blair."

She smiled a little sadly and swept her hand across his face, weaving her fingers through his hair. Chills flew up her spine and little goosebumps appeared on her arms just from the feel of him.

"I know," she said again. A sigh escaped her. "And maybe this is based a lot on not wanting to be without you…" She pursed her lips and then looked at him again. "But it's also based off of me being too afraid that I'm this weak little girl because of how many times you've broken my heart."

His heart clenched and he felt himself go cold. He felt the gunshot wound bleeding, as if it had never been tended to, and imagined how people would be overjoyed if he died right there in front of her.

"But I'm _not_ weak," she continued. "I'm strong. I made it through. I forgave you!" she laughed. "And I put every girl in Constance in her place if she did not do exactly as I said."

Slowly, he smirked at her confidence.

"And yes, those may be trivial high school things, but if I can do those, I can do anything, right?"

He nodded, glorying in the moment.

"Then I can become somebody, even with you by my side. Maybe even especially with you there. To hell what everyone thinks."

"You're already somebody," he said, unable to look away from her, his love swelling up in him and pouring into her. It was as if he couldn't breathe and all that existed was the two of them and endless possibilities.

She smiled softly.

"You're sure about this?" he asked, though he could not contain the wide smile that was now spreading across his face.

She nodded enthusiastically. "Very sure."

He gathered her into his arms and lifted her off the ground, spinning her in a dizzying circle. He loved this woman more than he would ever probably comprehend.

He set her down. "I was afraid it was the end for awhile," he murmured into her hair.

"I know," she said, cupping his face in her hands. "But it's not," she said, leaning her forehead against his and kissing him. "It's only the beginning."

….

A/N: I was going to put a lovely light-smut-filled ending of them actually going to bed together. But I liked that last line and I think the whole scene suggests what's to follow. Heheh. I'm not sure if my reasoning for Blair changing her mind so quickly is entirely legit, but when she changes her mind in 4x18 it seems to be under the same general mindset, so I'm going to go with the understanding that it works, because I think it does. *nods* ;p Sorry if you don't like it. I just needed a fic where they got back together at the end of 4x09, and didn't stay apart. ;p This works for me. =)

Hope you enjoyed! Please review! And I will try my very best to update MMB soon. *prays for inspiration*


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